Dear Diary,
I feel like I've let myself down. I mean, among a plethora of other folks, too, lol, but I specifically mean with this art business. I have the talent, sure, but I can't talk to people. Every time someone is like, "hey, what can I pay you for this art thing you just did for me, randomly, in line for a concert or waiting for your pizza?" and I'm like, "nothing at all!I don't measure the value of my time and talent with money!"
I remember when I was in college and I taught art at this after school program for elementary schools in Pittsburgh. It was part of a work study thing and it paid my bills, but just barely, so I ate a lot of... I dunno, eggo waffles or whatever. I got tired of being broke all the time and, by this point, for some reason, I knew A LOT of strippers. So... I gave it a shot. Found out I had very little shame, but standards in regards to what I would do for money. It made me popular. Kinda vampish on stage, but inaccessible outside of work. Most nights, I went home and devoured two Burger King value meals before passing out. Dancing is a lot of work, man!
Anyway, I bring this up cuz I made a lot of money for, like, 4 hours of work. I never made less than $100, but I usually made around $500 or so. Again, for dancing around naked for 4 hours. Under the table. That was nice. BUT, if I only made $100, I'd feel kinda shitty about myself. I'd start looking at my butt in the mirror, regretting eating lunch, hitting my friends up at 3am for validation. It wasn't healthy or flattering.
So it goes with my art. If I'm not charging folks for it, I can't base my talent on how much I'm making. I'm trying to make enough to pay my bills, but it's expensive to be alive in the 21st century. You'd think social media would help but I want y'all to look at how many people follow this page and how many people like my posts, on average. That's pretty standard for about anything I try to do.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna be one of those artists that are discovered after they die. And, somehow, my thousands and thousands of doodles and paintings and notes and scripts will... make sense to someone.
Anyway, I know I'm the person in my way. I just wish I knew someone who could help move me, even a little, in the right direction.
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