Dear Diary,
After getting back to my apartment around 4am, I turned the engine off and just sat in my car for about 10 minutes and doom scrolled social media. I guess that’s what depression looks like…
Honestly, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to my friends and loved ones and I don’t know a lot of folks who aren’t going through it, right now. Of course, some handle it better than others, some folks have more resources or coping mechanisms, but EVERYONE I know is going through something unenviably spectacular.
I try to do what I can for folks who look like they could use a hand. I get a lot of support, myself. I’m grateful I have some social network of folks I can chat with every now and then. Sometimes I feel like a handful of them have to be compensated in some capacity for that time and attention. I guess I’m no different in that it’s almost impossible to entice me to do anything unless it can potentially become an adventure or an interesting story, later. Like, I don’t wanna “hang out” and just sit in someone’s apartment while the television produces noise in the background.
I’m sure there are a plethora of examples but the only story I can think of that took place entirely in someone’s bedroom is Franz Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis”. Maybe “As I Lay Dying” by Faulkner? I can’t just sit around and stare at the wall, all the time. I guess that’s what depression looks like…
While taking a shower, last night, I had a great idea for a youtube/tiktok series I wanna do discussing what I feel is one of the most interesting years in cinema, 1999. Like, so many WEIRD, unprecedented films came out that year. A Lot of them weren’t great, but a lot of them started franchises or became cult classics. The Matrix, The Mummy, Galaxy Quest, Fight Club, American Beauty, and Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow all came out that year. So did Lake Placid, Deep Blue Sea, The Haunting with Liam Neeson, The Phantom Menace (also with Liam Neeson), The Haunting of Hill House with Geoffrey Rush, Mystery Men (also with Geoffrey Rush), and Eyes Wide Shut. I could probably make an episode about each month of that year, just rambling about how influential the films were and the impact they had on pop culture.
Gurpreet was expecting me for dinner, so I packed a BUNCH of video production crap in my car and took off, thinking my inspiration was inexhaustible and I could get G to help me out with my ambitions. To her credit, she was supportive. Like, in that grandma kind way where they smile and say, “Oh, that sounds nice” but offer little or nothing beyond verbal encouragement. We made dinner and watched tv and I lost my motivation to work on it. Needed to write it, get all dressed up, film it. Research stuff. Find a voice. Insert humor. Blah blah blah. Already felt like a lot to do alone, but in the presence of my ex-wife and her two cats, all wordlessly competing for my attention, it felt insurmountable.
G did prod me along, encouraging me to work on it, but I had effectively lost my inspiration. I think I need to spend more time alone to get things done. Or around other folks who get that thrill from being creatively and artistically engaged. I am such a vampire for that vibe. A “creative leech”, as an ex-girlfriend once referred to me.
I have, in the past, had a clan of cool, creative go-getters. One day, I’ll master navigating that social territory without rubbing sand in everyone’s ego. Maybe that’s insecurity talking. Or maybe, I guess, that’s just what depression looks like…
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